The Story
Jean was almost always late to just about everything, including worship team singer rehearsals. I always started working with the singers thirty minutes before the band arrived so we could work out vocal parts and harmonies. She would usually miss the rehearsal for the first song or two, meaning we’d all have to go back and run those again after she arrived.
Now Jean was a steadfast member of the vocal team. She had been on the team for several years before I arrived at the church. She had a beautiful, solid, soprano voice that easily carried the melody, and the sweetest disposition of anyone on the team. Her husband and children were pillars of servanthood in the church. But she was always late.
I had spoken to Jean several times through the years about her tardiness and the effect it had on the team. Being late shows a disrespect for the other team members. It means extra work for all of us. After these conversations she would always do better for several weeks, but would eventually lapse back into her old habit.
Finally I reluctantly decided I needed to let her go from the team. Our face-to-face conversation was one of the most gut-wrenching experiences ever, with this incredibly sweet lady in tears in front of me. Now guys you know how awful it is having your wife or girlfriend crying because of something stupid you did. I can tell you it’s easily three times as bad when it’s a beloved team member pleading with you not to let them go.
In a very few minutes I realized I was making a terrible mistake. We ended up both pleading with one another, her pleading for me to not force her off the team, and me pleading for her to try really hard to be on time. I left drained, and she was still part of the team.
To her credit she was very much on time for several months. And I had to do some soul-searching about what my priorities are for my teams.
The Moral
The title of this story is “Grace versus Rules.” I’ve written before about how I usually tend toward grace, allowing the Spirit to work in the hearts of people rather than being harsh with the rules. Each one of us must wrestle with this bifurcation; how strict is our own personality and the culture of our worship ministry? Do you set out standards and rules in a clear manner that everyone understands? (We had a Worship Ministry Handbook that spelled out expectations.) What happens when somebody doesn’t adhere to them?
Part of that answer depends on how severe the infraction is. Someone who is tardy should be treated differently than someone who arrives at rehearsal inebriated. In Jean’s case her tardiness did affect the efficiency of our rehearsals, but everyone loved her and knew and accepted the fact that she would be late. It was part of our culture. I don’t think it bothered anyone except me, and my ultimate response was way overkill.
The other moral of the story is to honestly weigh the benefits against the harm an individual brings. In Jean’s case, her commitment to the team in every other aspect, her contributions to the spiritual conversations, her tender care for other members, and her solid help in several other church ministries far outweighed the annoyance I had built up against her tardiness. Make sure the consequences of someone’s actions are commensurate with the harm done to the church or team.
In the end Jean apologized for her habit of tardiness, I apologized for taking a much more drastic step than was necessary, and we moved on. She and her family and I remained dear friends, and are still close friends today.